When did this:
Turn into this?
Ella is almost three. It's hard to believe. It really seems to mark then end of the baby stage -- like, suddenly, there is no baby left. She has decided to remind me daily. She tells me, "Mommy, when I am three I will be all growns up!" Thank goodness she still says "growns" and "waler" for "water." Otherwise that little spark of baby left in her would be totally out. And I would just have to cry. I tell her I need to make her little again and squish her back into a tiny baby. She says, "No silly mommy! I am big now and I can't be little again!" Such a harsh truth.
Today, as I was getting her bath ready, she stood there totally naked with her hands on her belly, and announced, "Mommy, I have a good idea! When I turn three and I'm all growns up, I can get a baby in my tummy!" I literally yelped, laughed and cried all at the same time.
Anyone and everyone has probably read this blog post by now: http://momastery.com/blog/2012/01/04/2011-lesson-2-dont-carpe-diem/ It has made the rounds on Facebook and been shared over and over. The author, Glennon Melton, went to my high school. I originally said that we went to high school together, but that's just not true. Glennon was older and infinitely cooler than me -- I am sure she has no idea I was even there. But I did know her younger sister Mandy (who, yes, was also infinitely cooler than me). Mandy and Glennon are both true forces of nature. I mean, they walk into a room and some sort of energy just radiates from them. It makes me want to take a nap just thinking about it.
But Glennon's post made me think. The reason I think everyone loves her post is that she is so
honest. It's quite a change from the other mommy blogs, and facebook, where everyone posts constant pictures of all the good in their lives -- the vacations, the cute kids, the new car, etc. I saw a post on facebook the other day that said this:
I think it's so true -- if everyone's lives looked like what is posted on facebook, well then, wow, everyone is having a pretty amazing life.
Glennon's post also made me think about something else. Her post, for the one or two of you who haven't read it, is (in a nutshell) that people always tell you to "Enjoy every moment" with your children, but sometimes you are just counting the minutes until bedtime. But this doesn't make you a bad parent. Because parenting is hard.
Glennon's post also divides time into two segments -- Chronos time, which is regular time, and Kairos time, which is God's time. Kairos time are those little moments during the day when you suddenly realize something beautiful and amazing. I've done a terrible job summarizing -- read the post, it's much better.
Anyway, while I do think there are tough mommy moments, I don't really have a lot of moments when I'm counting the minutes until bedtime. Granted, I am not a stay at home mom, so, as my mom would quickly point out, my experience would be VERY different if I was. I certainly think that's part of it. But part of it, for me, is that its all relative.
I am kind of a stress case. Everyone knows that. When Ella was a newborn, and colicky, and I was up constantly with her, my mom kept asking me why I seemed so calm. Like something was almost wrong with me for being this calm. But I was confused -- I couldn't understand what there was to be upset about. Compared to my life at the law firm, this seemed like a picnic.
At the law firm, you are also sleep deprived. But on top of it, you are getting hundreds of emails about things that have to be done NOW, while you are also on the phone with someone who doesn't like what you've just written and needs it redone now, and, by the way, it's 8:00 pm, and then someone comes into your office and drops off 500 pages of a document that you need to review, research, and then write a 15 page legal analysis advising the client. And, of course, they need it before the client meeting at 10:00 am. In one of these situations I distinctly remember the partner, in response to my obviously anxious expression, advising me that there were "lots of hours left between now and 10:00 am tomorrow."
So, when what I had to do was sit in my house in my pajamas and just rock my sweet baby (even if she was crying) it seemed like a gift. A dream. No matter how tired I was, I didn't have to go try to put together a complicated presentation in the morning on no sleep and seem awake, alert, professional and intelligent. I could hang out in my pjs with my baby. And nap when she napped. Yes, this was bliss.
Now, I'm certainly not saying parenting is easy. Absolutely not. And, compared to my job now -- which is a "normal" job, I think parenting
is more difficult than working. Right now I work 40 hours a week, which seems like part-time. I am not rushed, I have predictable deadlines, I have time to think about my work, and I have time for my children. And I have lots and lots of "Kairos" moments. I do actually cherish (almost) every minute with my kids -- as crazy as it might sound. Even the tantrums, the whining, all of it. I'll take a two year old tantrum any day over a high-stress, anxiety churning, deal where all parties involved are stressed and sleep deprived. To me, parenting is a relief. And no, it's not just because it seems "easier" than my job at the law firm, but it is infinitely more rewarding. The fact that my children want me to comfort them, that Cooper has the biggest goofy grin on his face when I go get him from his nap, that even when Ella is bossy and trying to run the show, she'll still get a little sad and then throw her arms around me and say "I want YOU mommy." That she tells me she has a secret for me, and then whispers in my ear "
I love you mommy" and then turns around and says quietly and earnestly "
Do you have a secret for me?" Let me tell you, you don't get ANY of that at a law firm.
I have somehow found the elusive "balance" in my life. No, it's not perfect. Sometimes at home I wish I had a minute to myself, and those days at work when I'm missing something at Ella's preschool, I wish I was at home. No, I don't wake up every morning and jump out of bed and announce "I love my life!" But I also have very, very few moments in the day when I don't like where I am -- when something feels "off" or I just wish the day was over. I feel at peace. And for me, that means something is working. I'll take it.
As does this one. Brian and Ella buried Cooper's feet in the sand and he just LOVED it! He could not stop laughing!
Where we stayed.
